Going to The Chapel and I'm....

Yes, fine, I'll make it official on my blog:) For the three people that actually read this. I'm getting married on May 15, 2010! I just made up my invitations on Monday and now I'm working on sending out the first batches! I'm so very excited about them, so here they are:

Ben's good friend Jeremiah is a graphic designer and he helped us last weekend design these after a rather cold game of disc golf. It was so much fun and now it's starting to become more and more real to me: I'm getting married!

Not only am I getting married, but I'm getting married to Ben who is seriously the most perfect man for me. We have such a close connection and it's always a blast when we're together, from homework to water fights I just love being with him! I really am a lucky girl.

The only thing that kind of scares me is the fact that now I don't have the excuse of Boards to let me get out of wedding planning and now that there is only a little over a month left, it's getting down to the wire! If anyone has some quick and easy last minute tips for a great but not too fancy wedding, I am definitely all ears!

March: In Like a Lamb, Out Like a Lamb???

Yeah, I knew it was too good to be true. March was a beautiful month with sunshine and warmth and flowers and such... of course I didn't really get to enjoy it all that much due to the large black cloud called BOARD EXAMS hovering over my life that month. Now that the boards are over (I PASSED!!!) and I have time to go out and enjoy the beautiful sunshine and flowers that should be in April, I. get. snow. lame. I guess if march was a lamb the whole way through, now April has got to take it's place, but seriously??? 8 inches in one night???? And of course that would be the night before my last VA day ever meaning I had to get up at 5:30AM to make it to the park and ride by 6:15AM to make sure we could be to the VA by 7:45AM (then to sting just a bit more the roads were alright so we made it here at 7:05!!!) Yep, oh well, as my classmate Charlotte said, the snow really does make everything look beautiful. Just... please don't snow for my wedding!!! I want to be outside in the warm sunshine when I get married... I just need a little help, thank you:)

What, How, and for How long?

What can you do when someone you love very much and have known forever starts to feel so distant and different? How can you show them that love when you are starting to realize that this person may not be the same person you've known forever and you don't feel you're able to support them to the extent that they need to be supported? How long do you sit by patiently and wait for them to figure out who they really are and realize what they're doing?

The only answer I can come up with is this: You be there, you love them, and you wait for as long as it takes. If you really do love them that much, you will always love them so how could you not wait? How could you not help?

All you can really do is be patient and try your best to be supportive without being hurt when they don't listen. The other thing you can do is to let go, not of the love, but of the need to help them be more like you. Maybe this person isn't like you, maybe they don't want to be like you. You just love them for who they are and who they want to become.

MOVING!!! Woo Hoo!!!

So last weekend, my family, friends, Ben, and I have been working on moving me to the mother-in-law apartment in my parents' basement. It's just down the stairs for me, but we had lots of furniture to bring in and clear out, not to mention the rearranging of the now vacant bedrooms upstairs. It's been a lot of work but it's been so worth it and I'm so excited about how the apartment is coming together. It does make me miss Ben even more at night though to now have all this space for myself without anyone to share it with. Like Mark Twain said: To derive the greatest joy in life, we must divide it with someone else. It's also been interesting to have a king bed all to myself because I fall asleep on the side where my lamp is and when my alarm goes off in the morning from the other side of the bed, I reach for it and all I can feel is MORE BED! So then I roll over a few times and then I can stretch out and reach the button.

What I love most about moving out is the change in my mom that it has instilled. She is now viewing me as an adult and the idea of me moving out and getting married isn't as scary for her. She can actually see some benefits now (like being able to turn my room into the work out room...) It's been really good for all of us, she lets me do my thing and I'm doing my best to survive on my own (which only works to some extent since they still cover my gas and groceries and I don't even have an oven or microwave downstairs... it's basically been pasta on the stove down there... the oven/microwave is coming, soon, I hope).

New Adventures... of the "Benver" Kind

Last weekend was one of the harder and at the same time most memorable and exciting weekends I've ever had. Thursday and Friday I had a viewing and funeral for Ben's grandpa, which was actually really nice. I usually can't handle funeral events because they're so sad and all about mourning, but this one was a celebration. A celebration of life and the family that has come about because of that wonderful man. It was also a lot of fun to see the family again.

It had me thinking, death really isn't that scary of a concept. For some it's an ending, but for me it seems like the ending of one chapter but the beginning of a brand new chapter full of new and exciting adventures. I love life and I love being here, I know that this can't be it. I know that I'll be able to continue on living somehow and that I'll get to be with the people that I love even after this life is over. It also really comforts me to know that when that time does come, I will have my very best friend by my side, or at least waiting for me to continue on with our crazy life together.

We also went up to a yurt, which was my first time ever in a yurt but it was so much fun! I got to go ski untracked pow pow until my legs just couldn't take it anymore. Then we had a very nice porch sit in the late afternoon before dinner. So much fun! A lot of work and now I'm very sore but really, really worth it!

The Luckiest Girl in the World

While sitting here, studying alone at home with the dogs, I've realized something. It's something I've always known but at this particular moment in my life it is especially apparent that I am the luckiest girl in the world. Sure, I have the stress of school and Boards and a lot of other things that come up, but I've also got a lot more.

I've got amazing parents The best sister ever, Three dogs that love me so much. As I study here, they are all laying around me, cuddling as close as possible. While it does make it a little hot at times, I never feel lonely with them around. I have a really great best friend who is always there for me and I've got the very best friend and boyfriend in the world: Ben. He is so sweet to me always and he knows how to keep me happy and calm even in my crazy moments of disparity and stress. He knows when to be sweet, when to be strong, when to talk, when to listen, when to play, when to be still. He just knows me and even more so, he still loves me reguardless. I seriously have a really good life. I'm so happy to always be able to feel loved, respected, and wanted by all the lovely people (and puppies) in my life.

Goals

To help me get through this ominous and seemingly endless year, I have learned to set goals. Not just the big goals like graduate and pass the Board exams, but little goals that help me feel accomplished all along the way. I've made goals for cleaning, cooking, painting, finding patients, and my surprising favorite of all goals: to exercise???

I, like probably a very large majority of the people I know, hate exercising. I do not like to run and I could care less about muscle tone or losing weight, the normal things people worry about. Luckily, Ben always finds a way to motivate me to do the things I'm not especially compelled to do on my own, and this time he didn't even mean to.

My reason is this:

Back country skiing!

Honestly, I haven't really done much backcountry since my friends don't ski and my parents are resort rats, but I love the idea of going out on a bare mountain to get the fresh tracks.

Sounds great right? Totally, except for the fact that in order to get that untouched powder, you have to hike to it!!! Yikes! I absolutely abhor hiking, especially with skis strapped to my back and a huge pair of inflexible plastic boots on my feet. Thank goodness for whoever invented the wonderful idea of skins and alpine touring gear! Skins are a kind of furry material that you put on the bottoms of your skis that don't allow you to slip backwards that you use for hiking uphill with your skis on. Alpine touring bindings are a special binding that allows you to release your heel and even put a block up to make the angle easier on your ankles when skinning.

I'm going to try to learn to telemark ski so that I can have the advantage of the loose heel when skinning without having to get AT bindings.

Skinning is a lot easier than hiking up, but it's still a lot of work and you usually go for miles at a time. Therefore, I need to be in shape, especially if I want to keep up with my crazy boyfriend who is about the strongest hiker I know.

He also wants me to be his assistant trip leader when he starts the weekly backcountry treks up the mountain, I don't want to be the weak girly trip leader that everyone has to wait for so I have no choice but to work out.

We go to the gym about 3 times a week to rock climb and then run about 2 miles. I'm actually learning to not hate the running so much, it's kind of nice to have a good break from everything else and it helps me clear my mind so I can concentrate better when I study. It makes me feel more productive and accomplished, it's been very good for me. With this being one of the most stressful semesters ever for me, I seriously need all the help I can get.

I don't know how he does it, but he's managed to get me driven enough to continue with an exercise plan that I've been trying but too lazy and unmotivated to carry out for the last four years! It's so good! Now we just need some snow...

Ready to Move On

I really want to get out of my house. I love my parents and they've been really good to me my whole life but it's time. It's time for me and them to move on, and I feel like me being there still is causing more problems than anything. I feel almost in the way and like every time I try to help, it's not enough or it flies back in my face and I actually get in trouble for it. I feel like in order to preserve my sanity and the relationship with my parents, I need to leave. I need to leave so that when I see them it can be like a vacation, not a chore. I can be so excited to see them instead of excited to leave. I wish I could be out, but for now I can't. I have plans and goals which can only be reached right now by saving and earning as much as I can now while it's a bit easier and not so stressful. Basically, I'm stuck, and what can I do about it? Just keep on living as I have been I guess. Endure to the end right?

Not Again

I went to Mexico over the break and it was awesome but I've decided one thing for sure: I'm not going to leave Ben for that long ever again! I had a lot of fun but it was hard to be in that place that I love so much but not have my whole heart there. I really wanted him to be with me for the beach and fun and I wish I could have been with him for the alpine touring up by Camp Cloud Rim. It's also just caused so many problems that I hope don't have far reaching ramifications... either way I know where I am and where I want to be and nothing will change that. I've made my choice I'm just hoping now that life is kind and makes that choice a little easier for me. I'm not going anywhere, I've found what I want so how could I leave?

Mi Soledad

Well, it's almost the end of the semester, and I'm lonely. I miss Ben, and I can't do anything about it. He's so busy being good and responsible by studying for his tests that his professors decided to pile on him this week. I'm so proud of him, but I really miss spending time with him. I've had to go two nights this week without Ben and I can't stand it! To all of you married people out there: please appreciate the fact that you get to be with your significant other all night. They always say to enjoy the dating years but honestly, they're not so great. What part of being lonely and busy and tired and still not having time to see Ben is supposed to be enjoyable?